I received a letter for my future self:

Dear future Kat,

Tonight, I remember all the bad experiences that happened in your past. Those flashbacks, I have to admit, they still haunt me.

I grieve myself for being that poor little girl. I was so sorry even though I’m not the one who did wrong. I still pity myself about being the one who is wronged. Pillows were stained with tears as my mind flashed a memory-montage of regret, shame, and guilt.

It’s already midnight, I still haven’t fallen asleep. Maybe it’s a wrong idea to reminisce about everything at night. It’s literally breaking my heart. Then I suddenly thought of asking to make me forget everything. I wanted to forget everything.

I want to forget those moments I allowed it.
I want to forget all those trauma, shame and guilt flashing back in my mind for letting it happen countless times.

I beg to wipe my memory clean. I want to forget everything. But I heard a familiar voice whispering in my heart: “No, I won’t let you forget. You have to remember.”

I broke down—really hard.

I realized, how can I ask to forget my darkest days, when You were the only light that led me through it? How can I ask to forget the pain of a tragically broken heart when I were closer to You than ever?

All of a sudden, I asked myself—please don’t make me forget. Help me remember.

I don’t want to forget. This story is worth telling. I need to remember all of it.

Kat, you may receive a call from your past, but you don’t have to pick up the phone anymore. Forgive yourself. Grieve the woman in you who allowed those things to happen, but you are not your past anymore.

Stay focused little girl. This is going to be a long journey. We’re in this together.

Your present self,
Kat

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